Immigrant: Does the jobs you hate
Our survey has today confirmed what many people already knew: immigrants are taking the jobs UK citizens are too lazy to do. The results of the latest report on immigration also include the shocking revelations that immigrant workers, "arrive at work on time", "do overtime" and "work hard and consistently". Tam Birnie, who manages a warehouse in Lanarkshire, confirmed the findings: "When I ask them to turn up at 8am, they turn up at 7.45 and get ready for work."
"Then they come back to work the next day. It's all very foreign to me," he added.
Ex conservative Party MP John Brown has damned the verdicts. "It just shows we're letting people into the country who are boosting our economy," he raged, "it goes against everything us Scot’s are proud of. Those on benefits who don't have the willpower to stay in a job, they're the real Scottish citizens, not these soviet lot."
"Rivers of blood," he added, seemingly unconsciously.
However, a spokesperson for the Labour Party said that the findings just back up what the government has been saying all along. "The thirteen immigrants we've let in since 2004 are a hard-working bunch," she said, "we've always known that, but we're still going to implement restrictions on the immigrants from those properly Eastern European countries. You can barely call them European really. Plus, it keeps the Tories quiet."
Outside government circles some people admit to being confused by the findings. "I thought immigrants stole donkeys and set fire to swans," queried some bloke we interviewed.
"That's the gypsies," replied a passer-by, who added, "Immigrants sleep in post-boxes." "Like the Jews," another passer-by added.
"No, no, it was the Jews who stole Christmas in 1981," argued an elderly lady who was eavesdropping in on the conversation.
A brief discussion amongst the Group Think Tank that had just been set up revealed it to be an accurate cross-section of tabloid readers who agreed that our report was to be read with a pinch of salt. Or better yet, not read at all. Or better yet, deported.
In an exclusive extra, a spokesman for the Immigrant Rights Movement, an organization attempting to get the voice of immigrants heard in the British press, didn't get his views heard.
